An Open Letter to my Facebook Friends List...Love Stupid Boi

I feel so inspired today! I am smiling and happy, it is Friday and we are going into a three day weekend. That is not the source of my inspiration. The source of my inspiration is my friends list of Facebook. It is truly a diverse cast of characters! So I am writing to thank some people on there!

To my Gay Brothers:
Thank you for being Beautiful and Unique! You have truly empowered, inspired, and lifted me. Without you my world would be dull and grey. Being Gay is a true blessing! I feel so honored to count myself among the ranks of a group of people who can rise above the hate and pain, and find love, where love is overdue. Please love each other! I just hope we stop turning in onto each other based on appearance. WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL! We come in all different shapes, sizes, and flavors! While Vanilla is great sometimes you just want to taste the Pasticcio to find out if you like it. Just take a sample of all the flavors our community has to offer!

To my Lesbian Sisters:
Thank you for being the care takers of our community. For holding us up as we struggled against the beast of this Pandemic. Thank you for standing beside us and fighting with us. Without you and your amazing strength we would not be able to rise above the tides that try to hold us back. My wish for you is that you continue to show strength in the face of adversity. Someone needs to keep us bois in line…lol!

To my Bisexual Brothers & Sisters:
I have not forgotten about you! I truly appreciate you for staying with the community! I know that sometimes it is hard to feel that you are apart of the Rainbow Alphabet; but we are working to change that. You have show amazing courage of conviction when it comes to your staying power. Thank you for helping fight for our rights. I promise that I will continue to make sure that there is Bi-Visibility! I am sorry for those of us who have made the comments or remarks. I welcome you all into my community! Love is Love is Love! Even if that love is straight, LOL.

To my Transgender, Queer, Two Spirited, Intersex, and other wise inclined Family:
I know it is sometimes hard to see yourself as a part of our community. I am truly sorry for that. However, YOU ARE AMAZING PEOPLE! To have the strength to say, “I am who I am, Love me!” is amazing! I have learned so much from you! I learned to love myself. It is simply amazing to feel the warmth of your community. Please continue to pave the road to equality! You are a part of my community, I love you and I will continue to fight hard!

Straight Brother and Sisters:
I know you’re there…I will find you…lol! I want to thank those of you who stand with my community. It is great to have you as a part of our extended family. It is okay that you are not gay…we still love you! I have found so many allies in your community. Those people who truly just want equality for all. A very good friend of mine, who I love, told me I don’t agree with you but I love you just the same. That is an act of revolution! To love in the face of disagreement. You are all beautiful as well! Thank you.

To all of my Brothers & Sisters in the Fight Against HIV/AIDS:
What can I say to you? WOW! You have changed the World! Really you have! You have mobilized communities, forced Governments to take action, and made the world look! AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING! Don’t forget that! I know the road is rough, believe me, the road is rough. Money is tight, politics get in the way. Just remember where we came from! Just don’t forget those we have lost and remember that that tally mark is a person!
I heard someone say “if your sick of fight then sit the fuck down!” I agree and disagree. Some of us have been fighting so long that it is hard, take a break but never give up. I know that there are not millions of people knocking at our door to take over! Just have a seat; I will pick up the slack, because if I need a break I know you will be there! Never Pass the Torch, just light someone else’s!

If you feel I left you out I am sorry, but you are in there somewhere. I know it looks as though I forgot my family, but I haven’t because at the end of the day, no matter what was said or done, family is family and will be there for me.

That is what I wanted to share with the world today. Thanks for reading!

XOXO,
Stupid Boi

Stupid Boi: Mentally Ill or Just a little coo-coo?

Where do I begin? I am having a good change at the moment. However, the quitting smoking thing is getting a little rough! But I press on for my Health! Now that I have my physical health under way…I should start working on my other two health aspects…Spiritual and Psychological. I think I will leave spiritual to last cause that is gonna take some major renovation.

In 1999 my doctor told me after complaining about back pain… “You’re just depressed and the pain is psychosomatic”. So he put me on anti-depressants, and I went crazy! So I quit taking them because I don’t think I was the only one in the room that day with mental issues.

After ending a three year relationship, I began to feel really out of control of my worrying. I got nervous for nothing, etc. So I went to counselor. She told me well maybe you have anxiety. I went to my PCP and he gave me Lexapro…and Xanax to sleep. I never took the Xanax, but the Lexapro helped a little.

So that is where I am at…really at a crossroads of what is really going on in my brain? Some people tell me that I could have Adult ADD! I am going crazy just trying to figure out everything. What I do know is that being in the sun and taking walks helps me calm down. Writing this blog…helps me not be so fing crazy. I just wish that it was easier to diagnose mental illness. (BTW I hate that term)

I don’t know why I wrote this blog…it just came out of nowhere…maybe in the interest of full disclosure, maybe to garner some insight. Let me know what you have to say about this! Do you have mental illness and how do you deal? Or Am I just Crazy and that’s the way it is?

XOXO,
Stupid Boi

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Stupid Boi Left his Cake Out in the Rain!

What a perfect way to end a perfect week! Last week was very transformative for me! After the LGBTI Health Summit, I came home to my little minded Midwestern town. Well the “Dommers” are back in session, this should be interesting! That means ND football season, where drunk and stupid are the name of the game.

I digress, Saturday night was awesome. I stayed home until I had to go to help clean up a work event at 9pm. When I arrived it was chilly but that didn’t matter. Then it began to rain. The only problem is, that this is an outdoor event. Well things need to get done, so I took off my sweatshirt and my flip-flops and ventured into the pouring, cold rain to clean up.

This was amazing, as the cold drops hit my skin, I began to feel beautiful. Like this was washing away all the years of ugliness that I have felt! I felt alive, I felt invigorated. It was the strangest experience. I don’t know if I am still on the high of the Health Summit or things are beginning to change. I guess we will have to wait and see…that’s why everyday in an adventure.

Stupid Boi Goes to The National LGBTI Health Summit

What I have witnessed over the last couple of days has been extremely terrifying. I went to the National LGBTI Health Summit in Chicago. I watched as hundreds of people converged on the Hilton Hotel across from Grant Park and began to talk about issues surrounding our health. There was a lot of talk of HIV/AIDS, but there were quite a few of other things discussed.

Let me first tell you where I was when I went to this conference. First I was frustrated because I had to pay for everything myself. My initial thought was “This better be worth it!” I arrived in Chicago Thursday night and met my friend Thaddeus, cause I was staying with him. We went back to his apartment and caught up about old Iowa stories and what we’ve been doing. It’s hard to say this but I feel like I have fallen down.

Friday: Gay but not Narrow!
I walked into the front doors of the Hilton Hotel and Towers. It is a GRAND old hotel, quite lovely. I was abruptly greeted with a big sign that say “BISEXUAL HEALTH SUMMIT”. I obviously knew I was in the right place! At that moment I felt really uncomfortable with this brightly coloured sign. I thought what are people gonna think of me if they see me walking into this room clearly labeled “Bisexual”. I don’t know if it was my internalized Homophobia or Biphobia. I walked up the grand stairs to the registration table where I was met with smiles. They handed me a badge with my name and a Manhunt lanyard. Then they asked me a question that I have never been asked before; “Are you Bi or a Bi Ally?” That question through me for a loop. I really didn’t know how to respond. I chose Bi Ally, cause I am a gay man.

For a moment I felt really out of the loop. For once I was an ally to a community instead of seeking them out. I felt kinda like the outsider looking in on this group. I took my place at the table and listened to everything that they said. I was so interested in hearing what people had to say because it was now REALLY important to me as an Ally. I figured in the past since I have included the “B” in the rainbow alphabet I was doing what I was supposed to. Boy, was I wrong! I learned so much that telling you about all of it right now would be lengthy. I realized there are health disparities within the Bi community that are so different from that of the L&G communities.
That summit came to an end and it was time for the opening ceremony of the LGBTI Health Summit. This was hosted by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, the Abbey of the Windy City Sisters. When you walked in there was a table with a white sheet on it and a card that said “What are you ashamed of?” Well that was a shock, after much hesitation I got up walked over and wrote:

“That I never learned how to make myself happy without pulling others down”

I couldn’t believe that I had actually written that on this sheet for everyone to see! The Sisters then performed a ritual where they “Expiated Guilt”. Then there was a bar crawl through Boystown.

Saturday: So it begins
This morning was hard to get up for! I walked back through the hotel to the 5th floor where I went to workshops on HIV, different studies, and workshops on PrEP (Pre-exposure Prophylaxes) and Anal Microbicides. I learned a lot of information that I didn’t know about these things. My mind began to feel full already and it was only the first day! That evening there was a meet and greet at the Center on Halsted. So I headed to Boystown on the red line to meet and greet. We were given a tour of this AMAZING center. I meet really awesome people, had some conversation.

Sunday: Running Scared
On Sunday we continued to do workshops and talk about the things going in the HIV world. I began to get a little scared because I was presenting at the end of the conference. I knew that I would have to step up my gay-me! We walked through the day and I listened to people talk about things that were sometime just either over my head or just not that interesting. I began to notice something though…people were actually being respectful to each other.

There is often this phenomena that happens when gay men get into a room together, we begin to divide into sub groups. The A-Gays, Bears, Losers, etc. Although those group lines were there it was not that people were making an effort to be exclusive.
Sunday night we were supposed to have a reception, however, that go canceled. So Sister Flo performed a ritual where we created a ball of joy to take with us into this world. We stood in a big circle in the middle of the Hilton, holding hands with a man with a white face and dressed as a nun. It was actually awesome!

Monday: Start again and rewind the tape!
So Monday comes and I honestly had a hangover from the night before. So I went to my workshops and learned more about HIV, Transgender issues, etc. That night we had a forum on Barebacking at the Center on Halsted. So I again got on the Red line and headed down there. I talked to people who were around me and sat and listened to the forum talk about this subject which become a volatile conversation. After that I walked down Boystown to head home because I knew I had to be up in the morning to present. I wondered down the street and tried to process the things I was feeling, learning, and wondering about.

I got back to the apartment and I took a shower and sat there. As I began to go through my presentation, tears ran down my face. I was ANGRY, EXCITED, SAD, FRUSTRATED, AND HAPPY. So the only way to express those emotions was to cry. I thought about why I was crying, I realized two major things:

My own insecurities hold me back from being who I once was and I began to heal. My community has always felt hostile and cruel. I have always felt that I wasn’t good enough to be a “gay man”. I began to heal that hurt and pain that I played victim to my whole life. I know that my community is cruel but I still fight for it! I want to see my brothers and sisters survive and thrive, even if they put me down or treat me like an outsider.

Tuesday: Don’t Ever Let Me Go.

My presentation went well and I felt empowered but this. This was the last day and it is always hard to go back to work. I learned a lot! Not only about information but about who I am. I believe that this was a Health Summit that is both educational and healing.
Will I ever be whole and okay? Maybe, maybe not, but at least I don’t have worry about feeling left out anymore. I realize my own strengths and see the faults in my community. I know that I have to distance myself from things for a while and rediscover who I am.

XOXO,
Stupid Boi

Heading to Chicago for the National LGBTI & Bi Health Summit! Tonight drinks at Minibar at 630.

Stupid Boi does Inventory

So last night I lay awake in bed taking a personal inventory on my life. I sometimes do this because I have to look at all the things that I have done. I usually break them down into categories cause I am OCD like that. So I thought that I would blog about it.

Money: Now I have a job that I actually like doing. Thank G*D! It helps to pay the bills but I could stand to have more money. I mean who really doesn’t want more money? Even Bill Gates is figuring out ways to make more money. I don’t think that anyone would argue me on this one. I know that money doesn’t buy you happiness, but I would like to try! (LOL) For me it isn’t about having millions, it is about being comfortable. Having what I need when I need it. I am working on that. I must say it is hard.

Love: I have a lot of love. My family and friends love me…I think! I really don’t know what more you could want from people. Love is so important. It is what will make or break you. There have been scientific studies on that. It is important to feel loved by someone. There is more to this thought; I want to fall in love with someone one day. I hope and wish for that day to come. Sex is sex and that is an action, but it is so much more important when you actually have feelings for the person that you are having sex with. I really don’t know how these porn stars do it? I couldn’t be that intimate with someone that I didn’t care about. I guess I will just have to continue to wait for the love of my life. Sometimes it is so hard not to search for that person in someone who isn’t what is good for you. I know that! I have learned that lesson so many times, often the hard way. Maybe I fall in love too quickly; maybe I am just glutton for punishment.

Good Person? There are many people who would argue that that I am not a good person. Maybe I wasn’t to them. I try hard to be very nice to a lot of people. Sometimes I am just not that nice. Maybe because there is something about you that I just don’t like. My intuition tells me there is something wrong with you. I trust that because it has never lead me astray. If you don’t like me that is fine, but understand I really can’t put much merit into your hate. I try to help people. Maybe too much sometimes. I really don’t want people I care about to feel hurt or sad. Maybe I push sometimes to want to make okay.

Finally I always reevaluate my intentions. I want to make sure I am not being that person who has a hidden agenda. Often when I do this, I make sure that I tell the person involved what my real intentions are. I thought long and hard about my current friendships and relationships with others. I know the truly my friendships are pure on my end. I want nothing more from anyone else then just their friendship. As for my other relationships…I am not sure. Maybe I am just a “narcissistic self-promoting faggot” as I was told lately. Maybe I do care if I make a name for myself in this world. I have put in the work though, so I think I deserve it. I have work hard on my projects that are going to make me a name. So it really isn’t a hidden agenda it is really about being noticed for my work. It feels good to know that there are people who see what I have done. Will it make me millions, HELL NO, but it will open doors

So that is what I have to say today!
XOXO,
Stupid Boi