Stupid Boi is nothing more | nothing less

The other day I had a jolting realization.  I can honestly say that I can only be defined by one thing, HIV.  I am an educator, that is the only thing in my life that I can define myself as.  I am nothing more. I've been the "AIDS/Condom/Sex Guy" for so long that I forget sometimes how to turn that off.  It's hard to be a part of a community and everyone wants to talk to you about sex/sexuality all the time.

I watch the world around me go by, there are so many people being defined by so much more then their job.  I know roller girls, mothers, sisters, brothers, and so much more.   I am a lot of those things by title only.  I am a brother, uncle, and son; not that I have really ever done anything about any of those things.

I am not a great uncle or brother...never really done anything that has made my family really take notice.  I am not even that great at my job.  I am, however, really good at being a know-it-all and being an egomaniac (or so I've been told...see I am not even confident in that).   I learned recently to just accept that some people just don't like me.  It has taken me my entire adult life to learn that.

I guess I haven't really tried to be anything else either.  I mean, I hide behind this bitchy exterior, when in reality there is nothing more then a scared little boy playing at being a man.  I don't feel my age, I defiantly don't look it. :-)  I am just unsure about who I am...which in turn makes me really crazy because I feel that I am too old to not know.

I guess this is the whole meaning of life question, right? What is does it all mean?  I just want some direction, I want some ambition...I love what I do, but I want to be more. I want to be interesting like my friends.  My friends are all really talented people...singers, actors, writers.  I am mediocre at all those things at best.  I am just an educator, not that there is anything wrong with that.  I mean, I could change people's lives...not that I would know.

I guess I don't even feel like a good educator.  I take what I do too seriously.  I was talking to someone the other day and they asked me a question about my job.  I responded "it's more then just a job, it's my life...it's all I know".  After I said that I felt so foolish...but it's true.  It is all I know, maybe it's all I'll ever be. Just your mediocre  run of the mill HIV educator.

Sometimes I look at pictures on Facebook of my friends and I envy them.  I look at their lives and what they are doing. I have a friend who teaches in Korea, another going to the Peace Corps, and another who travels the world making it a better place.

I guess I have just always believed that I was supposed to be great. Do something big...make people notice.  I am not sure that I even notice myself anymore.  I just mechanize my whole life.  Wake up...work...sit on my ass...sleep.

Maybe I wasn't meant for anything...just another brick in the wall.

Stupid Boi Returns...again!

Hi There!

Remember me? Sorry it has been soooooo long since I last wrote anything.   Things are a lot different for me now.  In Feb I went through, what can only be described as, a mental break.  It was a long road to recover.  I also was diagnosed with Celiac disease and have lost 80lbs.  I left Facebook, for now and really haven't gone out much.

That is pretty much it in a nutshell.  Recently, I have learned that people cannot and will not dictate my happiness.  I have to achieve that on my own.  So, I set out on an Adventure to make this life more exciting and happy.

In true Stupid Boi form, I have an obsession with this boy.  (not a crazy, I wanna here you breath through your window type)  Just like I really wonder what this person in like.  I don't actually know this person at all, other than what I see on my work's Facebook account.  (which I obviously can't use to make the connection and wouldn't)

He isn't really that much my type.  Although there is something alluring about him.  Not that he posts a lot or says anything profound; there is just this weird draw I have to him.  I am not really sure what it is.  What I do know is that he is an art student, probably in photography. (there is an album called school work with pictures).  Yes, I Facebook stalk him when I have the chance too.

It's just a really weird thing for me.  I have never spoken to him or seen him (in person).  I don't even know if we have mutual friends. (not that I would ask them to introduce me, because then that makes it really creepy.) I just know that I am drawn to his photos and profile.  I am not sure what exactly caught my eye.  I am rambling on, sorry.

I just wonder if it would be one of those situations where I would meet him and he would turn out to be someone that I totally wouldn't get along with.  On the other hand, I could meet him and he could be the person I imagine him to be. Maybe I'll never know or maybe it is too much Felicity on Netfix.  Or MAYBE this is just one of those Craigslist Missed connections that never gets reconciled.

Either way you'll being here more from me coming soon.

XOXO,
Stupid Boi

Stupid Boi and Friends

So, I am not going to do one of these silly little 2010 year in review things...I will do a Friends in review thing.  I just want to talk about some of the great people that I have meet and continue to be in my life.  They will all have nicknames so it's a little game for them to figure out!

To the Alpha to my Omega.  Damn! You are the only person who can actually handle all the crazy shit I pull.  I am really glad that you are just as fucking crazy as I am...you just won't admit it. I hope that there are many happy returns for the two of us.  One of these days...we are going to end up in jail or famous!

Anita: I am glad that I got to give you that drag name.  I just have one question for you: How the hell you gonna have me on a couch? I am glad that I actually met you. Those two weeks made the world of difference to me.  It gave me that chance to know "That I could, if I really wanted too".  The other advise: "When you walk into the room, there are 30 people just like you..." made more sense then you will ever know!  It is amazing how you can let someone into your life that cannot be easily removed!

He was looking at me! I want to say thank you for all your help this year.  You really helped me through one of the darkest moments in my life.  You housed me when I couldn't and just helped me in so many ways.  You are one of the most AMAZING human beings on this planet. And that is from a Sistas Point of View.

The Russian Spy: I don't know how or why we connected...again! I guess that was destiny! I don't know how to begin to articulate how I feel about you.  All I know is, I want you to know that you are amazing and I admire you. 

I like your jeans:  Who are you? I feel at any moment this will turn into an episode of Touched by an Angel? We have a weird connection...I don't know how to describe it. I love it.  There is something deep within you. This is strange, but sometimes you make friends with someone and after a while it fizzles.  I love that little hint of green I see when I talk about hanging out with other people! Don't worry...nobody will replace you Pati Time!

To my favorite ladies club: You make me smile...everyday! I still don't know how I would have gotten through those dark moments without your support! Thank you!

To the man who "Pays my movie bills":  I really appreciate you! You are so much fun!  I really like going to the movies and hanging with you.  I can't wait to see what kind of trouble we get into! Get the bail money ready, y'all!  PS you little southern twang is fucking adorable!

Stubborn Monkey: I want you to know that I really enjoy having someone to text! I actually really like getting texts from you everyday.  It is really nice! I hope that the future shows you that some of us are really nice people.  I promise you that "this too shall pass" (a la Ditty).  I just want you to know that I have my first aid kit handy and I am always ready to help! One of these days you will know.

These are the people who stay on my text list at all times!  I really have enjoyed meeting you! 2010 SUCKED and can kiss my ASS. You guys were the ones who made it a Fun! If you can figure out which one you are let me know!  

Not like the movies, Stupid Boi!

Why can someone write a beautiful story and yet not live it?  I wish I had this fairy tale life where serendipity, luck and right place, right time met.  I always wait too long and then it's too late. I never get that second chance like in the movies.  You know the clandestine meeting that will continue to happen until it finally clicks. Well, maybe it has? Maybe I am just blind to it.  That is just what has been on my mind today!

XOXO,
Stupid Boi.

Stupid Boi's Greatness!

There are many difficult things in life.  I have spent my whole life feeling different then everyone around me. I just knew that my destiny was for greatness. Right now, I am homesick and wish that I could just pack it all up and move somewhere, where there is nothing to do and my friends and I could just party all day.  Alas, I am not on Logo's "A-List New York".  (Although, I would be a much better character!)

I realize that instead of chasing pipe dreams, I, in fact; know what my purpose is in this world.  I was put on this Earth to do one thing.  I know that sounds really cliche and no I did not hear the voice of G*D or anything like that.   I just know what my purpose is.  Now, if I could just figure out how to make more money doing it.

My friend, Luci, gave me the best wake up call.  She said to me "when you walk into that room, you realize that there are ten other people just like you..."  That is the best advice I have ever heard.  It had to do with something specific, but I think it translates to life.   Sometimes, it's just easier to blend into the crowd then to stand out; and sometimes its makes things easier when you realize you are not alone. 

I forgot to stop and look around at what I had, I have spent too much time trying to impress other people and taking the people in my life for granted.  I finally realized that my destiny is not greatness...it's gratefulness.   I have to be grateful for all the people who have touched my life.  I am not going to make some blanket statement about how everyone come into your life for a reason. Some people are just filler!

There are a select few people in this world that I would have to say have changed my life for the better.  Some have given me a sense of G*D and other spiritual information, some are the shoulder to lean on.  Some are there to just send you the text to say "hi" and make your entire day better. Then there are the ones who will lift you up, push you down, and slap you in the face.   All of these people are the best things that have happened. 

This past weekend, yet another person told me that I gave them the strength to "come out".   At first it made me a little angry...then I realized that I had done something great.  I always knew I was destine for greatness!  So off to new adventures...new heights...new lows...always grateful!

XOXO,
Stupid Boi